A scout's daily life - Part 2

Foreword

***
I’ve been writing this story and living it at the same time, though now I would choose different words for it and the attitude towards certain things has changed, too. However, that’s my honestly described impression of David at that very moment when I had not known him in person; that’s what I was thinking and feeling when I did not know what would happen next. It’s also part of the story and I will not rewrite it. The more obvious a simple old truth becomes: what you think of a person and what he or she really is may be quite different things. And communication between you is what really lets you get to know the Other one.

***

Seems that I have a thing for bad boys of a certain type. I’ve been feeling somewhat charmed and besotted; as if my emotions are a mist surrounding me – the feelings are a little dulled but at the same time as acute as they’ve never been.

I repeat words, phrases, dialogs in my head, as if walking around a door that tempts me – and still I am not sure whether to open it or just to get a peep of what’s happening on the other side. I do not dive in – I’m just surrounded by disconnected images and fragments, and still they are so real that they overwhelm me.

I want to cross this threshold but in a different way than visiting Logan and company. Entering, I must not be invulnerable and immortal. The rules are different here – to play this game fairly and to get the feedback it requires to be one step from death. It’s not the death that is immediately followed by resurrection – no, if you die there you disappear forever, at least from that very locus. In this game you have to know – you have no chance to survive; the best you can is just to reprieve the inevitable. Even if the unbelievable happens; even if you succeed, even if you are heard and the trust is earned – still, one man (even when he is an android) will not be able to control the whole planet where everything is ready to kill you.

Only when you realize that it’s no use trying to save your life you are able to stop running, hiding, dodging and pulling through – and embrace life with such enormous energy and desperate greed, with curiosity and fearlessness, with your absolutely honest and perfect self that for a moment you can become truly immortal. It’s the best and strongest version of yourself you can ever become; as real as you could never believe you can be. Because being anything other is already useless – and it’s too late.

“And that’s the moment I can do anything...”

It must be something from the hayn culture...

And this idea teases me – to enter as a victim, with no bonuses and no chance to last more than five minutes; without even any guarantee that I’ll manage to say a few words to the man who is the reason for me to enter. And still, in this specific condition, with this desperation of a doomed man – I can give it a try. There will be no second chance for this meeting – it is the only way to get what I need; to start a conversation requires surprising, confusing, intriguing. And at the same time – letting know that I am not looking for salvation. Not trying to put him off guard. Not

acting out the interest just in order to play a trick and survive. Any falsity, any shadow of a doubt – and everything will come to an end.

“You are almost immortal, David. And still not indestructible. What will you regret if you learn that you are about to die? I know that I will not last long here. And what I will regret is that I will never know what your life will be afterwards. I will not see what you’ll have learnt; what choices you will make. What you will become in ten years, in twenty years, in a hundred... And, you know, this is what really makes me angry! At this very moment it is what angers me when I think of dying quickly, being unknown. And at the same time it gives me a purpose to live this very moment in full. And what’s your purpose in life? What will there be to lose for you together with your life?”

What words can be chosen for the one who has never been heard and so he never learnt to listen to others? For the one whose mind has been torn into pieces by disregard and rejection? For the one who can’t even feel pain with his physical body... Any exhortations on “it hurts!” sound stupid and meaningless as he has nothing to compare it with. David is not a sadist – he is like a child who tears away a fly’s wings. «

“You hurt them!” – “What does that mean?” – “It is similar to the feeling when you are wounded by somebody’s words – that’s the only thing you could associate it with”. – “But they had been doing it with me all the time; and not only with me – with each other, too. Then what’s wrong with it?” And what can the answer be? It’s just a kind of repetition in my head while in reality the conversation would be different. And still that’s the core: to teach someone the difference between good and evil first you have to show what the good is like. And now a bonus question: can a person be called a villain if he has never made a choice between good and evil, just because he has never experienced this “good”, never touched it, never got a hold of it? Well, he read about it in some books but in a book even a unicorn can suddenly cross the street...

And this is the other side of my passion – and here the hunter is me. My aim for this part is to find, catch and show my dangerous vis-à-vis this real living unicorn. Not literally, of course. I mean, to find proper words and make proper actions to show him the “good”. Not the “good” from books and fairy tales – it has nothing to do with David; I am speaking about real life experience. Nothing seems to be easier – just strike an attitude and shout out about love and justice... right? Ha-ha!!

He is too smart to believe in any selflessness. What he sees is another little man standing in front of him and trying to save his short and meaningless life. He sees a liar, a pretender. The one who will say and do anything for the sake of his own benefit. Humans never speak the truth – they will just stop your mouth or use you for their personal aim. The truth is also like a unicorn, a mythical entity. It exists only inside your head – the only truth you do not have to doubt.

And still he is lonely, and that’s what I could seize upon. The chance to succeed is quite small – David gets disappointed with his opponent quickly and then just dispatches him. He longs for love and friendship but he doesn’t know how to love or make friends. It is easier to be in love with a dead girl than keep her alive and see how she reacts to your actions. It is easier to get disappointed with your friend at once and kill him than torture yourself waiting for an inevitable conflict. He is searching for a romantically ideal companion, lover, friend – a humble one who will not conflict; not because he is subdued but just because they would be soulmates. But this is

all self-deceit. What he actually longs for is the same as any child wants – to have someone who would always be on his side, unconditionally. But the problem is that a child from an orphanage would commit terrible deeds just to test if their parent would keep his word and still love them. And even if they believe these words they can still stab in the back – just out of habit and because they haven’t learnt how else to behave.

Still, it’s a challenge. Can such a crippled being be saved? Not in order to make him “the way he should be” or to save some other team of colonists from his pet beasts. Only to help him reestablish healthy contact with the world and enable him to actually make choices. Damn it, David, I am furious with what they’ve done to you! I see your inner breakdowns and that’s a challenge, that’s my passion. Will I be able to take a thorn out of a lion’s paw or will that lion tear his “savior” apart at once?

Some things are obvious: I will have to watch every my word and be most particular in speech. Any ambiguity will be interpreted as my failure. And never, NEVER say anything like “you will never be able to feel this”. He has been told that already – constantly. If there’s an urgent need – learn to say it correctly but honestly: “That’s something you’ve never been taught”. The first is devaluating while the second means a new possibility. And ask him, ask him questions again and again: what he feels and what he is thinking about. This is what has never been done, this is what never bothered anyone – and it is likely that he himself can hardly put it into words what he feels and what he wants. Ask him complicated questions – not the ones that leave him in a deadlock but those that will make him think and look at the situation from a different angle...

“If you destroy all life in the Universe you will have to live forever. Live for everyone. There must be someone to gaze at the stars, to confuse the poets’ names and to play the flute... Do you want to live forever, David?”

“Breathe into the nostrils of a horse and it will be yours for the rest of your life. But you have to come close. To win its respect”. These words of his, the scene where he is standing in front of the beast that can tear him apart just like a disturbing nuisance – I understand it all too well as I am also going to reach the one who hasn’t learnt to trust yet. This is what we have in common...

So, will this dance on a minefield actually take place or will it remain just a pleasant and exciting memory, a fleeting love interest, a mere moment of compassion?

***

Harro: - So, will you bring David here to us?

- Oh NO. David with us here is something we have no chance to cope with! Meanwhile, if I visit him he’ll just devour me alive, but it will still be cool. You see, I’m going there willingly and I myself will let him do that